As he walked through the pearly gates, the man noticed clocks everywhere. There were grandfather clocks, wall clocks, watches, and table clocks in every corner. It appeared that heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse. Surprised at how heaven looked, the man asked, "St. Peter, what's the deal? Why are all these clocks here in heaven?" St. Peter replied, "The clocks keep track of things on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time the person on earth tells a lie, his clock moves one minute. For instance, this clock is for Sam, the used car salesman. If you watch it closely, it will move." "Click." The minute hand on Sam's clock moved one minute. "Click." It moved another minute. "Sam must be into closing a customer right now," said St. Peter. "The minute hand on his clock moves all day." The man continues to look around. "Whose clock is this?" asked the man. "That clock belongs to the widow Mary. She is one of the finest, God-fearing, people on earth. I bet her clock hasn't moved in a year or two." The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all his friends. When the tour was finished, the man said, "I've seen everyone's clock but President Clinton's. Where is his clock?" Saint Peter smiled, "Just look up. We use his clock for a ceiling fan."

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

"A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A billionaire."

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am, I married the wrong man."

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.